Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
