Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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