"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize