Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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