no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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