hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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