oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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