My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's rum buckets o'clock
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
