i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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