If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize