love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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