my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
