Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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