kristin has been a bad kristin
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
