I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
