So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
