we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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