and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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