he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
