I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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