Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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