I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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