Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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