only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
