you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
