i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
