I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
