you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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