Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
