i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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