don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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