Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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