I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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