i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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