Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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