I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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