I think my vagina is haunted
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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