The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
