fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize