just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
this boner is exhausting
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize