You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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