I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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