I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
When are your genitals available?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
