I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
