I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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