I met the friendliest cop last night
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
