remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
