Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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