I think im going to throw up on grandma
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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