It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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