3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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