i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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