I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
