Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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