Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
