Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
