sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
