he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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