You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i dont even know how to be here
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
