His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
