oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
