The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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