I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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